Tell Me I'm a Wreck
by spencer davis
Summary: She was falling fast, silently wondering if someone was going to catch her. AU B/JU
1. Hurricane Drunk

**Hello! This is my very first fanfiction and it's basically the product of me obsessively listening to Florence + The Machine and bits and pieces of my childhood/other people's life stories. I just want to warn you, Brooke may seem out of character at some points and I did that on purpose. I just hope you'll take that into consideration. :) Thanks for reading! Please feel free to tell me what you think.**

_I'm gonna drink myself to death  
And in the crowd  
I see you with someone else,  
I brace myself,  
Cause I know it's going to hurt,  
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse._

_

* * *

_  
When she drank, Lucas Scott became a haze, a stranger of some sort that did not spark any memories whatsoever. The constant impairment and utter agony suddenly felt better.

She was still grappling with the fact that her high school sweetheart had left her for another woman. Suspicions ran about for a while and were confirmed to be true when she finally caught them together in bed. She wanted to cry, scream and throw things. But nothing came out. So she ran. She took their daughter and drove through the night to the small town of Tree Hill.

Her newly acquired habit turned three months old today. The bottle of wine she graciously brought herself was now half gone, teetering on the edge of her rickety desk. Forgotten sketches were strewn about, pens bleeding dry as they were left uncapped.

Since her separation, all of her creativity was gone. Her muse wanted to play hide and seek and she was not up for the challenge of finding it. So she drank. And drank, and drank, and drank until her vision became blurry. She only drank when Chloe was sleeping. The last thing she wanted was for her daughter to see what a sorry mess she had become. Chloe occasionally asked where Lucas was and when Brooke didn't answer, she scurried off in a fit of tears. She missed her father.

"Okay," she began to coach herself quietly. "I can do this. I used to design dresses in my sleep."

She reached for the marker and cursed loudly when it didn't work. Her slender fingers wrapped around the wine glass as she took a long sip, savoring the fruity taste as it trickled down her throat and into her stomach. She was beginning to develop a bit of a pouch from all the drinking she had done over the last few months. It made her feel bloated and disgusting but it numbed the pain. That's all that mattered.

When Brooke finally found a marker that actually worked, she began to sketch skillfully. A small smile curved at the corner over her lips. Maybe her muse was back. Everything seemed to come together all at once. She had never designed so fast in her life.

Then, it happened.

Chloe's voice was tiny but she was determined to make her presence known.

Brooke tried to hide the wine, but in an effort to shield her daughter from her vicious vice she knocked it over instead. Red wine flowed out of the glass like a damn breaking, staining the hardwood floors. Chloe clutched her purple monkey tighter, afraid to move. She didn't know what to say or what to do.

"I'm, s-s-sorry," she stuttered in utter terror.

A wave of nausea ripped through Brooke's stomach as she fled to her feet to try and stop the alcohol from staining her floors. She didn't want to curse or let Chloe know she was mad. Chloe did not deserve to be used as a punching bag for her anger.

"It's okay, baby," Brooke finally responded after she got the mess under control. She looked at her daughter's tear-stained cheeks and wobbled over to her. "It's okay."

"I ruined your drawing!" Chloe wailed, pointing behind her.

Brooke hadn't noticed her glass had overturned onto her sketch. The paper was sopping wet and there was no way it could be recovered. Now _she_ wanted to cry. Chloe continued to sob heavily, afraid for what was going to happen.

"It's just a drawing," Brooke said weakly, fighting back the tears that were welling in her hazel eyes. She kept telling herself not to yell, not to blame Chloe for anything.

She kept thinking about Lucas and how she would often wait up for him at night. Even though he told her not do, she did. She was stubborn and he knew it. Everyone did.

"Hey, baby, it's okay, it's okay."

Chloe lifted up her arms and stood on her tiptoes, begging to be picked up. Brooke tried to steady her trembling hands while she placed them under Chloe's armpits, shakily lifting the little girl up. Chloe was a little on the chubby side and quickly outgrowing her clothes. But Brooke had no money. No real job. Back in Charleston, she was a stay-at-home-mom who spent her time sketching as a hobby. She always wanted to be a fashion designer but with no real support system, she suppressed her dream and let her boyfriend shine. Lucas had recently sold the movie rights to his book and they were on top of the world. Brooke immediately started a college fund for Chloe.

"I'm sorry, momma," Chloe hiccupped, tangling her tiny fingers in Brooke's hair.

Brooke just rocked her back and forth, her palm rubbing soothing circles on the small of Chloe's back. Her pajamas were old and worn and nearly melded to her body. With most of her money going towards wine and liquor, Brooke's funds were running low. She waited tables during the day while Chloe was at school but that was it. She couldn't afford a babysitter.

She couldn't afford anything without Lucas and had no skills to get a better paying job.

He barely made an effort to try and contact Chloe. Since they were not married, he didn't feel any obligation. Lucas was always weary of being a father. Brooke became pregnant at eighteen and Chloe was conceived on prom night like an old cliché. She came kicking and screaming into the world three days after Brooke's nineteenth birthday. She was overjoyed while Lucas was overwhelmed. Money was tight and he was too busy chipping away at his first novel while taking classes at the community college.

"Better now?"

Chloe lifted her head up, trying to ignore the foul smell radiating off her mother's breath. She sniffled a few times and nodded sullenly. "Uh-huh."

"Good," Brooke smiled, kissing Chloe's temple. "Now, what are you doing up?"

"I'm not tired," Chloe huffed, wriggling around a bit. Brooke had a tight grip around her mid-section but she didn't dare say anything. It was a rarity that her mother even held her these days. The uncomfortable position was worth it. "I even tried counting sheep!"

"And that didn't work?" Brooke feigned shock, breaking into a giggle. She was almost sure it was the wine making her laugh so hard.

"No!" Chloe pouted, her legs tightening around her mother's waist she shifted her to the right side of her hip. "It didn't work, mommy. Silly! I would be sleeping now if it did."

"Of course," Brooke shrugged stupidly.

"Mommy? Will you tell me a story?"

"Of course, sweetie. What about?" Brooke whispered, plopping down on the couch. Her balance was becoming unsteady and the buzz was wearing off. She had to get Chloe to bed as quickly as possible so she could continue her late night drinking session.

"I don't know," Chloe yawned, sticking her thumb in her mouth. "How did you meet daddy?"

It was such an innocent question but it felt like someone stabbing her in the heart. Brooke closed her eyes and took a deep breath, forcing a smile when Chloe looked up at her in curiosity.

"You already know that, silly," she said, poking Chloe in the stomach.

"Don't you miss him?"

"How about we try and sleep?" Brooke changed the subject, springing to her feet. Chloe was still on the couch, dumbfounded at her mother's actions. "Chloe, now."

Her mother's voice was stern and unrecognizable. But Chloe didn't move.

"But mommy!"

"No buts," Brooke snapped, pulling Chloe off the couch. She nearly lost her footing and would have fell into the coffee table if Brooke hadn't grabbed her in time. "Stand up!"

Chloe scrambled to her feet and reached for her fallen monkey. It was her only source of comfort now that her mother had morphed into a stranger. She decided against protesting and just huffed in displeasure when her mother lifted her up by the waist and stomped down the hall to the tiny bedroom she lived in. Once settled on the bed, Chloe looked up at her mother sadly, willing herself to speak.

"I'm sorry."

Brooke felt her heart break. It was as if a light had gone off in her brain. Why was she doing this? Chloe was the innocent one in all of this. Chloe didn't make Lucas cheat. Yet, somehow, Brooke blamed her. Perhaps if they didn't have a child none of this would have happened. The tiny ounce of regret that snuggled low in her heart was eating away at her. Every time she looked at her beautiful child she felt a hole widening in her heart. Though Chloe looked exactly like her, she was smart as a whip. Just like her father. She had his pretty blue eyes. She didn't want to be like this. She didn't want to look at her daughter and see her husband staring back at her. They were supposed to be a family through thick and thin. Now, she was stuck.

"Me, too," Brooke finally whispered, settling Chloe in bed. She left a lingering kiss on her forehead and made sure her monkey was in sight. "I'm so sorry, Chloe."

Chloe didn't speak. She merely nodded and turned over to the wall, her back facing her mother.

Neither one was sure how much more they could take.

After she shut the lights off, Brooke wandered to the kitchen and grabbed another bottle of wine. Her fingers wrapped around the neck of the bottle, her grip so tight that her knuckles were turning white. She allowed the tears to fall, knowing she had created this monster all by herself. The alcohol was her crutch. It made everything better when visions of her and Lucas in happier times danced around her head. But they were just memories now. They were memories that needed to be suppressed before she lost herself entirely.

So she drank until her footing became unsteady and her vision blurry. It was nearing to be three a.m. She could barely stand and made no effort of being quiet as she stumbled into bed. The thin sheets were beckoning and she engulfed herself in them to shield herself from the world.

She was falling fast, silently wondering if someone was going to catch her.

* * *

Precisely six hours later, Brooke awoke with a pounding headache. It was normal though. Even though she stayed up late drinking, she could never sleep past nine. The routine had become so redundant that it was almost comforting. However, the morning lacked Chloe. The little girl was nowhere to be found in her bed. Usually, she'd come barging in by now, whining about breakfast. This frightened Brooke. She didn't like when her routine was compromised.

She pulled herself out of bed with a groan, adjusting her tight tank top until it fell back into place. Her brown hair was thrown haphazardly into a bun, wisps of stray hair clinging to the back of her sweaty neck. As she wandered down the hall, the smell of pancakes wafted through the air. In her tired haze, she began to wonder if she had woken up ten years into the future. Would it still be like this when Chloe was fifteen? Would Chloe have to take care of her like she had to take care of her own mother?

Shuddering at the thought, Brooke hugged her arms tight to her chest, tiptoeing in the kitchen. Her heart nearly fell to her feet. There was Chloe, sitting pretty on the hip of Julian Baker. He was Brooke's oldest friend but they hadn't spoken in months. Most of it was Brooke's fault.

"Uh," she cleared her throat, making her presence known. "Hello?"

"Mommy!" Chloe squealed in excitement, bouncing in Julian's arms. "Uncle Julian is here! He's here!"

A sigh of relief escaped Brooke's mouth. She was grateful Chloe was still too young to harbor a grudge. "I see!"

Julian grinned and placed Chloe down, leaning forward to engulf Brooke in a hug. "Hey, stranger."

"Hi," Brooke whispered against his chest, snaking her arms around his waist. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in New Zealand?"

"That was three months ago, B," Julian chuckled, a bit hurt that he and Brooke failed at keeping up with each other's lives. "I'm back now for a bit."

Julian knew all about Brooke and Lucas parting ways. Between Haley's weekly e-mails and Brooke's cryptic voicemails, he felt like he had been there every step of the way.

"For how long?" Chloe piped up, looking at her Uncle happily. "Forever?"

"Maybe," Julian winked, ruffling the young girl's hair. "I think our pancakes are ready. What do you think, Chloe?"

Chloe shrugged. "I think so!"

Brooke laughed while she watched Julian lift Chloe up again, eyeing her carefully as she scooped the various sized pancakes off the griddle and onto a plate. She sat down in the chair and rubbed her aching temples, wondering if Julian came back because he found out about her drinking. But nobody knew except Chloe. She had trained her daughter well into not talking about what went on at home. Chloe was blissfully naïve to Brooke.

"How about you take your pancakes into the other room and watch TV so your mommy and I can talk?"

"Can I?" Chloe asked her mother with widened eyes. She was never allowed to eat anywhere but at the kitchen table. "Is it okay?"

"Just this once," Brooke smiled, watching Chloe carefully glide out of the room with a stack of pancakes on her plate. Julian placed a plate down in front of her with a knowing look that made her quiver. "Thanks."

"She got really big," Julian mused once Chloe was out of the room. "She could be a truck driver with the gut she has."

Brooke let out a genuine giggle as she dug into the food. "She eats like a horse."

"I bet."

The two friends fell into a comfortable silence. Brooke could feel Julian's eyes on her, as if he were expecting her to pour her heart out. She didn't look up, for fear he would get everything out of her with one simple glance.

"So, I have a favor to ask," Julian asked, finally breaking the quietness.

"Yeah?"

"Can I crash here? Just until I find my own place. I'm directing a film with Alex Dupre. You know that head case of an actress? Well, it turns out she's actually a very intelligent person and she wrote this amazing script…"

Brooke felt a lump form in her throat. If Julian stayed, everything would change. Her routine would have to be shuffled all around and the mere thought made her tremble. However, if she said no, Julian would know something was wrong.

"Sure," she finally replied after a long pause. "Stay as long as you want."

She immediately closed her eyes and cursed herself. No, no, no. What was she thinking?

"Careful what you wish for," Julian joked, leaning forward to steal a bite of pancake. "Can I tell you something? In all honesty?"

"What?" Brooke asked, afraid.

"You look like hell," he said seriously, studying his best friend to find any trace of the vibrant person he used to be. "It looks like you haven't slept in days, Brooke."

Brooke tried to play it off as a joke and laughed. "Thanks, J. I missed you, too."

Julian sighed and watched as Brooke got to her feet. He didn't want to broach the subject so early into his visit. But if all the empty wine bottles stowed away in the cabinets was any indication of how Brooke was doing, he was screwed. The problem was more colossal than he thought.


	2. I'm so Heavy Tonight

**Hi! I'm sorry for the delay in updating. I sort of lost my muse so I hope this chapter suffices. Thank you so much for the reviews! I really enjoyed reading them. I hope you'll all stick around for more. I made a (crappy) banner if you want to check it out. The link is in my profile. :)**

_I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  


* * *

_

Julian was ten-years-old when he realized his life was different than others.

While his father was gallivanting across the country-filming movie after movie, he was left at home with his oddball mother. She had her highs and lows. It all depended on the day. He held Brooke while she cried about her mother's lack of attention and comforted Haley when she was upset about her siblings leaving her out. But they never did the same for him. He wouldn't let them. He was the boy. He was the protector, the hero. The strong, stoic boy who was always waiting with open arms. Though his mother was gentle and caring, she could also be unpredictable. He was too young to save her and his father was too preoccupied to notice. So when she left, he almost felt relief. Not once did he break while telling Brooke and Haley. Not once did he seek pity from his peers. He moved on just like nothing happened. Julian often wondered how he would have turned out if his mother stayed or if she ever came back. But he knew if she ever returned, he would have not been the person he was today.

When he looked at Chloe, he almost felt jealous. At five-years-old, she was so innocent and bright. Nothing fazed her. She went about her day living in a precious bubble that painted the world in such beautiful, vibrant colors. The weeds and grey skies were still so wonderful and divine to her. After he picked her up from school so Brooke could work a longer shift, she went on for twenty minutes about the ladybug she found outside at recess. She beamed with pride as he told her they were good luck. Her face lit up with excitement and her gleeful tone echoed loudly on the car ride to the River Walk.

He was initially apprehensive when Brooke told him she decided to keep the baby. His distaste for Lucas was obvious yet she always brushed him off. However, Julian kept his remarks about the Scott boy innocuous because Brooke loved him. And he loved her. There was a small part of him that always wondered when their relationship would reach its demise. They traveled down a long road and had to make an arduous effort when Chloe was born. As Godfather, Julian felt it was his duty to protect Chloe from all the harsh arguments and petty fights her parents participated in. And five years later, everything fell apart. He was deathly afraid that he somehow failed to save Chloe from being exposed to the bitter end of her parent's relationship. It had finally died a long, painful death.

And where was he? Across the world filming a movie. Just like his father was when his mother finally broke.

"Uncle Julian?"

Julian looked up from the wooden walkway, startled. "What's up?"

"I need a napkin!" Chloe squealed, ice cream dribbling down her cheeks and fingers. Julian knew getting her three scoops in a cone was a bad idea but as soon as she smiled her dimply smile, he was weak. He could never say no to those dimples.

"We should just throw you in the ocean to get you clean," he joked with a grin, dutifully wiping the little girl's face. "How does that sound?"

Chloe shook her uneven ponytails frantically. "It does not sound fun, Uncle Julian."

He laughed and watched as she fixed her focus back to the chocolaty goodness. She carefully licked around the last scoop, her eyes widening with excitement when she was finally able to bite into the sugar cone.

"But you like swimming," Julian teased, taking a seat next to Chloe.

"Not now, silly!" Chloe giggled, sticking her tongue out to lick the chocolate around her lips. She exhaled a content breath and tiled the cone sideways a bit. "Want some?"

"No thanks, kiddo," Julian smiled. "I'm trying to watch my weight."

The little girl raised an eyebrow as she watched her uncle pat his stomach dramatically. She leant back on the bench and went back to her ice cream. "Stinks to be you."

Julian took in the comfortable silence, wondering if Chloe was going to reveal any secrets Brooke was obviously not telling him. She was an extremely intelligent young girl and soaked up things like a sponge. But nothing came out. She was too preoccupied inhaling ice cream to speak.

He felt his cell phone ring and jumped up to answer it, wandering a few feet away from Chloe. It was the studio and they were getting on his last nerve. He didn't need Chloe picking up his favorite curse word and repeating it back to her mother later on. Brooke would surely kill him.

Three minutes into the conversation he couldn't help himself.

"What the fuck do you mean she quit? Production starts next week!"

Chloe's eyes bulged out of her head as she stopped mid-lick. "Uncle Julian!"

"I know," Julian sighed, interrupting her by holding up his finger. "How am I supposed to find another designer in seven days? I can't just pull one out of my ass!"

"When mommy swears, she gives me money," Chloe sang with a sweet smile, kicking her legs back and forth.

Julian reached for his wallet and pulled out some money, practically stuffing it in Chloe's hands. The girl grinned in happiness.

"Fine, fine," he finally gave in. "I'll think of something."

"Mommy likes to draw," Chloe piped up as soon as Julian hung up the phone.

"What?"

"Mommy likes to draw," she repeated more slowly. "Sometimes at night she draws pretty pictures of clothes! She always tells me that one day she'll make me clothes when we have the money."

Julian felt a pang in his heart when Chloe's voice got smaller and smaller.

"Really?"

"Really," she mumbled, eyes still fixated on the ground. "She's good, Uncle J."

"I bet she is," Julian agreed with a smile, ruffling Chloe's hair. "I bet she is."

* * *

Brooke tried her best to steady her trembling hands as she wandered down the halls of Tree Hill High. It brought back so many memories of her own high school days. She could still remember the corner where Lucas first asked her out, the set of lockers where they had their first fight, the deserted girls' bathroom where they snuck into during lunch. She quickened her pace and took a deep breath when she reached Haley's classroom.

Sure enough, the young teacher was slumped over a stack of papers on her desk.

"Tutor Girl staying after school? It's like déjà vu," Brooke joked, her tone raspy and forced. Since moving back to Tree Hill, her friendship with Haley had been strained. She still kept in contact with Lucas since he was still technically her brother-in-law.

Haley looked up with a laugh. "I figured I'd get a head start grading papers before I went home to my empty house."

"Tough life you must have. All alone in that big old mansion?"

"You know you can come over anytime," Haley smiled weakly. "And by anytime, I mean tonight? Nathan's on the road and I really, really hate sleeping alone."

"I'll send Julian over. He's driving me nuts."

Julian had only been in town for three days but Brooke had reached her wits end. He was always around, forcing her to stash her wine in her bedroom. She was such a clumsy drunk that Julian would definitely catch her if she were to do it in the kitchen even though he slept like a rock. However, Brooke didn't want to take a chance. She barely had a buzz going and it was killing her. She had a plan that was surely going to send her to hell.

"So, I have a favor," Brooke finally broke the silence. "Are you busy Friday?"

Haley shook her head. "Not that I know of. Why?"

"I'm, I'm sort of low on cash," Brooke began, pausing to shake off the inner voice telling her to quit while she was ahead. "Greg told me I could pick up an extra shift at the restaurant but I need someone to watch Chloe. Julian has a production meeting and I don't want Chloe hanging out with that slut Alex DuPre."

God, she was pathetic. There was no extra shift. She was just pawning her daughter off so she could down a bottle of alcohol and then some. Brooke was well aware of the consequences if everything backfired. She was willing to take the risk though. The mere thought of drowning her sorrows in wine and liquor made the next 48 hours bearable. Julian would be gone mostly all night and Chloe would be dining in a kitchen bigger than their whole apartment.

"Plus, Chloe misses you," Brooke added in quickly, forcing a smile. That lie killed her the most. Haley's face brightened and she felt incredibly guilty. Chloe always preferred Julian to Haley. It was no secret.

"Well, you sold me there," Haley threw her hands up in the air in excitement. "Can I keep her over night?"

Brooke hesitated. "Uh, well…"

"Please?" Haley practically begged. "It will be comforting to know there's someone else in the house with me."

"Hales, she's five. She's not gonna protect you from the boogie man."

Haley shuddered. "Don't. Stop! You know how I feel about that…man."

"Okay," Brooke held her hands up. "Are you sure, Hales? I, I don't want to burden you."

Apprehension was quick to take over. Brooke couldn't go through with this. "No! I don't mind at all," Haley assured her genuinely.

Or, maybe she could.

Brooke engulfed her friend and a tight hug. "Thanks, Hales. I owe you one."

"Don't worry about it," Haley whispered, squeezing Brooke back. "If you're low on money, you know Nathan and I are always here for you."

"I know, Brooke nodded, pulling away. "But you don't…"

Before she could finish, Haley was waving her off and pulling out her wallet.

"Is this enough?" she asked timidly. "I mean, I can always go to the ATM."

"Haley, no. It's more than enough," Brooke said, crumbling up the sixty dollars in her right palm. "I'll pay you back for this. I promise."

"No rush," Haley reassured her friend, a bit disturbed at how run down she looked. "No rush at all."

Brooke was really going to hell.

* * *

The house was empty when Brooke got home.

Which meant trouble.

She didn't think twice about running into her bedroom and quickly sipping on the vodka she bought with Haley's money. She tried to avoid going to the liquor store but since it was on the way home, it seemed near impossible to keep driving. It burned like hell as she sipped it straight from the bottle. The only thing she had to chase it with was one of Chloe's juice boxes. It didn't do much. But that didn't matter to Brooke. She felt calm at last. The vodka was settling in her empty stomach. Everything seemed right now.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

Brooke nearly jumped out of her skin. She took one last gulp before putting the bottle back in her nightstand drawer and fumbled for the pack of gum somewhere in her oversized purse. She stood up and immediately got dizzy, holding onto the wall for support.

"Hi!" Chloe squealed, dropping her backpack to run over to her mother.

Brooke closed her eyes and bent down, nearly falling over when Chloe's came crashing into her. "Hi, baby. Where's Uncle Julian?"

"Outside on the telephone again," Chloe mumbled into Brooke's shoulder.

_Perfect_, Brooke thought to herself.

"Ah," she said, rubbing Chloe's back. "How was school?"

"S'okay, momma."

"Yeah?" Brooke whispered, standing to her feet. Chloe backed away a bit, peering up at her mother curiously. "What's up, babe?"

"How come you didn't pick me up from school?"

"Well, I had to work late, honey."

"Oh," Chloe nodded shyly. "Uncle Julian bought me ice cream!" she added in when Julian slipped in the front door loudly.

"Did he?" Brooke feigned excitement. "I hope you're still hungry for dinner."

"I am! I am, mommy. I only had three scoops."

Brooke giggled at Chloe's precociousness. "_Only_ three scoops? Where do you fit it all?"

"Duh, mommy," Chloe cocked her head to the side, jutting out her rotund stomach, "In my tummy! Why do you think it's so big?"

"Because it's full of secrets," Julian chuckled from the corner, earning an eye roll from Brooke and a scowl from Chloe. "That…that was supposed to be in my head."

Brooke suddenly burst out laughing. She couldn't control herself as she finally felt the alcohol pulsating through her veins. Chloe pouted in confusion.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Julian responded before Brooke could. "Mommy's just silly."

Chloe shrugged in satisfaction. "So what's for dinner?"

"What are you making us?" Brooke inquired after she finally composed herself. She could feel Julian staring at her and it made her feel three feet tall. Immersing herself in Chloe would make everything better. It had to. "How about filet mignon."

"Yucky," Chloe shook her head. "I want Mac n' cheese!"

"You just had ice cream, Chloe," Julian chuckled. "If you eat now, you might explode."

"Then you'll stain my floor!" Brooke continued, scooping Chloe up to tickle her. Chloe launched into a fit of hysteria and let out an ear-piercing screech of delight.

"Stop! Mommy, stop!" Chloe giggled, trying to wiggle free. She stared up at her mother and couldn't help but smile. She was smiling as well.

"Alright," Brooke sighed dramatically, locking eyes with her daughter. All she saw was Lucas's big blue eyes and cute nose. Chloe's smile faded as soon as she saw the flash of pain strike her mother's face. It was as if a switch went off and ruined everything.

"Do it again," Chloe tried softly, trying to reach for her mother's hand to bring to her stomach. "Mommy!" she grunted, kicking her legs a bit.

Soon enough, she was on her feet again. Julian didn't know whether or not to sweep in and diffuse the situation before it started. It wasn't his place though. He wasn't Chloe's father or Brooke's significant other. So he remained quiet.

"Mommy?"

Brooke bit down on her bottom lip and turned away. All she could see was Lucas on top of the skinny blonde girl in their bed. She often wandered about the blonde. What her name was, where she came from, or if she had a husband and children. Did she know Lucas had a girlfriend? A daughter? Was he ashamed of them?

She felt the vodka swish around in her stomach, angry visions still poisoning her mind.

"Brooke, you okay?" Julian finally said, watching the tears well up in his friend's eyes. "Chloe, do you want to go to tell Penny about your day?"

Chloe was smart enough not to fight. She nodded sullenly and rushed down the hall to her bedroom to her purple monkey.

Julian looked at Brooke and sighed. Her eyes that were once full of life and excitement seemed dead; void of any emotion. Hazel orbs were glazed over and red. She was shaking like a leaf and when he approached, she pulled away like she had been burned.

"You alright?'

She didn't respond. Her heart thumped against her chest violently. She had to pull it together so Julian would stop asking questions.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Crazy day at work, you know?"

"Yeah. You just look a little pale, B."

"I didn't sleep that well last night," Brooke lied quietly, completely ashamed of herself. The need for liquor was becoming more and more necessary to calm the tremors.

"Well take it easy then," Julian smiled as he reached out to rub Brooke's shoulder. "I can get Chloe dinner and ready for bed if you want."

A part of Brooke wanted to jump at the chance and say yes right away. But she knew how the rest of the night would go. The vodka would be gone by eight and she'd feel more and more like her mother if she ignored her daughter and drank in her room.

"That's okay, J," Brooke said. " You already picked her up from school. You're not her..."

Julian saw the pain flash across Brooke's face. Her strong facade was starting to crack. She hated being vulnerable; especially in front of Julian. He had been there through everything and despite his reservations about Lucas; she pursued him anyway and set herself up for a tumultuous ride that ended in heartbreak. She often wondered why Julian and even Haley stuck around. She was a mess; albeit a lovable one. They were always around to catch her when she dove head first into things. Consequence was a silly concept in Brooke's world. It simply didn't exist.

"I just want to help," Julian said helplessly. He had no real idea on how to rectify the situation. She looked to be sober, but Brooke was real good at playing pretend.

"I know," Brooke shrugged. "I know you do Julian and I appreciate it. Chloe missed you so much but I don't, I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of us."

Julian didn't know how to respond. Brooke just kept rambling and that's when he knew she had been drinking. He pretended like his phone was ringing and reached for it, staring down at it for a few seconds.

"I have to take this," he said, heading for the door. "It's the studio."

Brooke nodded in confusion and exhaled loudly when he left. She clenched her fists together and wandered down the hall, peering in Chloe's room. She was on kneeling down facing her bed, looking at her monkey sadly.

"Penny," she sniffled, brushing the hair out of her face. "I don't think mommy likes me anymore."

Nausea ripped through Brooke's stomach like a tidal wave. She was becoming her mother more and more everyday. The tears welled in her eyes and salty drops poured down her face.

She wanted to forget ever hearing those words escape Chloe's lips. She wanted to forget about Julian's interrogations and how she ripped Haley off with some fake sob story. So she rushed to the bedroom and locked the door behind her. It was a cheap lock that probably didn't even work but she humored herself. Julian wouldn't have the nerve to come in anyway.

With shaky fingers, she pulled the drawer open and stared at the bottle of vodka.

"_I don't think mommy likes me anymore." _

It was playing around in her head like a broken record and she wanted to get rid of it.

Brooke finally grabbed the bottle and took a long sip, wondering how long it would take to finish it all.


End file.
